KETIK, MALANG – I arrived in Malang, East Java, to a warm welcome by Wiwin and Vico, the hosts here at Condro Wulan Hostel. On the day of my check out, I extended my stay here another day because I had questions to ask. A few days ago, Vico explained the five masks that were hanging on the wall in the hallway. He told me they carried the ancient wisdom and philosophy of the Javanese people. He said each mask symbolised a stage. In our personal and spiritual journey, and told me the nature of each one.
This philosophy and wisdom stirred something in me and I wanted to know more. I asked Vico if we could spend some time together. Vico sat down opposite me. Four biscuits lay between us, but they remained untouched during our exchange. We sat, facing each other. And I began by asking my first question.
Samia: What was the turning point of your life?
Vico: When I was an architect, my close friend betrayed me. I lost my house, my car. I changed completely. There was another time too. When I was waiting for my first daughter to arrive. I waited five years. I had a beautiful wife, a good job. But I felt empty. It showed me what I needed.
Samia: Both those times are difficult moments. How did you not let the suffering overtake you? How did you stop from going down, for a long time?
Vico: Actually I was depressed. I was very weak. Everyday at 4pm, I would start shaking. My wife would cover me with a blanket. I went to the doctor but it didn’t help. I had an MRI but it was clear, no problem. Eventually I found out it was psychosomatic. You asked me how I got out of it. Actually I don’t know. I prayed to my Lord to help me. My family’s energy was with me. I am very grateful for them.
Samia: How do you move from one mask to another?
Vico: How, is very interesting. This is the journey. It is when you have an experience, or when you meet someone who influences you, that changes you. Maybe this is good for travellers. Because when you leave home you can be one way, and be different when you go back. How do you know you are different? Because when you get sad, you can get up again, you don’t go down, you carry on. I just do what I love, and love what I do. So I can carry on even when I am sad.
Samia: You said that in this mask you realise ‘I am nothing’. What does this mean?
Vico: Sometimes we believe we know who we are. But this is an illusion. When we lose something, we get to know who we really are. You have to be ready for the opportunity, so you don’t miss it when it comes. If you are ready, then you will find yourself.
Samia: Who are you really, Vico?
Vico: Actually, I like peace. The other day, I saw a group of you seated at this table. One from Netherlands, one from Switzerland, one from England, one French. And I see how you talk and laugh together. Normally I switch the light off at 9pm. But I saw a beautiful sight and I couldn’t. The world can be like this. Actually my dream is that this place is not just a hostel, but a place where we can learn from each other together.
Samia: Like a community?
Vico: Yes. Where young people can take over, and run it.
Samia Soomro, Wiwin, dan Vico. (Foto: Dok Pribadi)
Samia: Vico, sometimes I feel shame or frustration that I am in one mask, and not another, higher one. I want to be like this, but I see I am actually like this.
Vico: [Vico laughs] It is good that you can see yourself from outside yourself.
Samia: Yes, but sometimes I wonder who’s eyes I am seeing myself with. My father, my mother maybe
Vico: We are in systems and we are influenced by our environment. I think I am like an orange tree, so I try to have orange fruit, because everyone around me is an orange tree. Eventually I realise that I am actually a mango.
Samia: Sometimes I feel this expectation on myself to change, can take from me my happiness.
Vico: I can say to you, to enjoy the ride. And something that I do, that might help you, is I look at my life in decades. Because the logical mind needs something like this. When it thinks it isn’t good enough, or that it has not achieved anything. Now is 2025, so I look at where I was in 2015. What I had and what I wanted. And then the same, from 2015 to 2005. And between 2005 and 1995. At that first time I was in school. I didn’t know who would be my wife, what I would do. And in 2005, I had a career, I was married. Now, I don’t see 10 years into the future, just 1 year. Because I have learnt the cycle [of gaining and losing]. And how about you?
Samia: Well I had an experience late last summer where I realised I had a lot of pain in my heart. So I decided to find out more about this to heal it. I became devoted to Life. I was similar to you. I was following a path, laid out for me, but I was not happy, I was not free inside. I took a very different path than was expected of me.
Vico: I would say to you, don’t blame your parents. Because they too had their system that they were brought up in.
Samia: Yes, I was angry and I did blame but I understand.
Vico: I did the same, but my father is 75 now.
Samia: Yes mine too, 76.
Vico: Yes it’s the age. Now I am a parent, I can try to do things differently with my daughters, to help them find their way.
Samia: How was it for your wife when you changed? Sometimes when you change, the people around you don’t like it, because you are not dancing the same way, you are not participating in the same dynamic, like before.
Vico: Yes, I understand. Actually it’s because of her that I change. I don’t see us as two people. We are
married. I see us as one person. It’s like opposites: plus, minus. We are one.
Samia: Vico, a final question about “nothing”. When you explained the fourth mask to me you said “I realise I am nothing”. How can you be nothing?
Vico: That’s a good question. I realise that the universe brings things to me. When you create a hostel, you can’t go door to door to sell your product. The people who come, come from very far away, from everywhere. I don’t bring them. In this way, I am nothing. It is the universe that let’s me meet excellent people like you. I am not controlling it.
Samia: Yes, the other day I wrote in my book, “I don’t do Life’s job, I suck at it”.
(Vico Laugh)
It is beyond me, it is much more intelligent than me
Vico: Yes. I am still on the journey too, I have a long way to go [Vico laughs]. It is why I put this mask here outside, to remind me where I am.
Samia: Thank you Vico.
Vico: No problem, enjoy your day.
Talking with Vico, I realise, none of us can escape our own humanity, inside. Our emotions, our desires are
part of our journey of discovery. In our experiences and our interactions we come to know who we really are.
The universe helps us find our way. We can only learn to let go of control, and trust the process. To let the
inner struggle, the inner fight, soften. And it is our togetherness, that helps us through.
Topeng lima fase perjalanan hidup manusia di budaya Jawa. (Foto: Dok. Pribadi)
Part 2: The Secrets of Happiness
Later that day, the conversation continued, but with Wiwin, Vico’s wife. I was curious about her experience of the journey, and the impact his change and transformation had on her. I hadn't expected to find answers to new questions.
Samia: You look very happy today.
Wiwin: Yes I am, I love the rain. When it rains, I do less work, I am relaxed, I am happy.
Samia: That’s beautiful. When I spoke with Vico earlier, he shared with me how he changed. I was wondering how him changing was for you, as his partner.
Wiwin: Actually I was happy. Vico was always travelling and away, very busy with work when he was an architect. Our families are very different and so are our personalities. My family is very relaxed, chill, go with the flow. Viko’s family is more planning, rigid and with goals for the future. Now we have more time.
Samia: Did you fulfil the dream of your life?
Wiwin: Actually I always wanted to be a mother. Not a doctor or a big person. It’s maybe very simple. I imagined my children would say the food I make was very tasty. And that’s what I wanted. Actually my parents were very friendly and kind. I had a lot of freedom in my childhood, to make my own choices. My father would help anyone who was stuck on the road on his way to work. He was good. He said he did it for his children and grandchildren and great grandchildren. Whenever I am out, and I have a problem now, someone is always there to help me. Even if I had an accident. A person will go to the one I had the accident with and tell him to come back. I thank my father.
Samia: You are never alone.
Wiwin: No, I am never alone.
Samia: I think that’s true for me too. I do things to care for the future generation. I don’t have children now but I still feel like a mother.
Wiwin: Yes, and to your niece. You see your sister and her daughter.
Samia: I do. But I think a mother is just Care. I care for the flower, I water it so it grows. That’s the way I am a mother. Caring.
Wiwin: Yes that’s very simple.
Samia: I wonder if the world could have kindness as the currency. Instead of money, people gave kindness. I don’t pay you for driving me somewhere, I give you breakfast the next day. Imagine how beautiful it would be?
Wiwin: Yes, so beautiful. You should write that down, you like writing.
Samia: I do
Wiwin:In Indonesia we have a word for this: kindness without anything in return. It is called Ikhlas. Do you have a word for this in English?
Samia: No, I don’t think we do. We say ‘to give it freely’, without expectation of return. But we don’t have a word. Maybe we need to make a word for this. What is your secret for happiness?
Wiwin: I can say, for me, I searched for happiness when I was a teenager, maybe thirteen or fourteen years old. And I decided at that time that I didn’t want problems. I realise that if I say it is not a problem, it isn’t. If I say it is a problem, it is. So now I say, it’s not a problem. It’s not that my life is easy. When the pandemic hit, it was hard for us. The hostel was closed for 2 years. I started making Satay and food and selling it to neighbours through WhatsApp.
Samia: It’s nice that you don’t define it as a problem. When I do, it’s like a big rock is in front of me and I can’t see past it. But if I don’t put a rock, I can keep flowing, like water.
Wiwin: Yes, exactly.
Samia: Do you believe it is not a problem when you say it, or does your mind still think it’s a problem secretly?
Wiwin: No I believe it. Maybe a person says they don’t like something. I think, well maybe she didn’t mean it.
Samia: I would have done it differently. Maybe I would try to change her mind, to convince her, or make it better for her: to make her happy. But you are saying happiness is in you,?
Wiwin: Yes. I don’t wait for something to be happy. I don’t think ‘when I have this’ or ‘when this happens’ then I’ll be happy. I am just happy now. I choose to be happy.
Samia: When I saw my parents’ suffering, I tried to make them happy. I tried for years, but I couldn’t make them happy.
Wiwin: Happiness is something inside, not outside. It is with me all along. It is something I give myself. No one else can do it for you.
Samia: You don’t spend much time worrying?
Wiwin: No I don’t. I don’t like overthinking. When something bad happens, it’s okay because I know how many good things have happened. So having some bad, with the good is okay. I can enjoy the sadness. I can enjoy the happiness. Because everything ends. Sadness ends. Happiness ends. And I see everything that has passed, that I made it through. And I can say, okay that’s done now, it’s passed, I did it, and I focus on the next day.
Samia: So you are always growing?
Wiwin: I don’t see that (she laughs), I just focus on today. My friend asks me what I will do in the future. I say I don’t know. I focus on today, on now. Some people want big things. I always focus on the small things. That’s all I need. And if something big happens that is a bonus. I am grateful for the small things. And then very grateful for anything more.
Samia: Do you fear death?
Wiwin: Yes, sometimes. Because my children are still young. But I have faith: I know that is out of my control, when it happens. So I enjoy the life I have now. My husband says I enjoy everything, and it’s true, I do.
Samia: Thank you Wiwin, very much.
[Wiwin laughs]
Wiwin: No it’s okay. I wish you find what you want, what makes you happy.
My conversation with Wiwin showed me that our path to happiness is a unique journey. It is the way we treat ourselves, inside, that determines our happiness: how we choose to see, what we focus on, what we let pass and what we feed that grows. Happiness is not looking at the outside to change it so it fits what we want. It is here always, already, inside, waiting for us to feel its eternal presence. Gratitude makes me smile.
I am thankful for my stay here, and for the wisdom gifted to me by these two souls that have carved a garden of peace and serenity in this small corner of the world. Perhaps the greatest achievement, is the peace we discover within that we give with Ikhlas. Thank you for reading. (*)
